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Thursday, March 21, 2013

Total Power in a Few Simple Steps

Let's pretend that you are amazingly wise and intelligent and have the answers to all of society's problems.  As a man like that, you should be in charge of everything, right? Right.  So how does one rule all that they survey with complete and benevolent power? You'll need a plan.  And you are lucky, I have one.  Not that I had ever thought I needed total power and control, honest.

You'll need a lot of followers.  They don't need to have any particular skills or real focus, this is a Democratic Republic.  These useful unusefuls are called voters.  Voters are easiest gotten when you have something to offer them. (Note: 'Offer' and 'Give' are two very different words.)  Rich folk don't need anything and the middle class can never agree on what they want as a homogenous group.  That leaves the poor.  They're pretty easy to placate, just offer them money, it doesn't even have to be yours.

To win elections you'll need a lot of poor.  Don't sweat this, poor are easy to make.  Just 'fix' the economy like a dirty auto mechanic.  The poor don't know how this whole magical economy thing works.  If they did they wouldn't be poor, would they?  While you're breaking the economy keep blaming the Other Guy.  With a little luck, a handful of middle classers will believe you and fall in with the growing ranks of poor.

It only takes 51%, that's a Mandate for you.  You're the Answer to All of Society's Problems. Once you're in you'll find that you have considerably less power than you thought you'd have.  There is still work to do.  The poor will start noticing they're still poor.  This needs to be dealt with first.  Blame the rich and promise to make them poor too.  For some reason this works better than promising to make everyone rich, go figure.

Take the money you were promising the poor and put it to something more useful like bullets and armored personnel carriers.  Trust me, you'll need these later. Then drop subtle hints that the poor should get unruly. When things get heated and chaotic announce that there are too many guns.  People hate being shot at and will give you the guns, especially the poor.

Secretly turn up the heat again and bring the country to a boil.  Then move in with all those armored carriers and bullets while suspending to Constitution for the sake of peace.  There will be a lot of resistance from the silly jingoistic nationalist patriots, but what are they going to do? Throw rocks?

Now you have all the power you deserved from the beginning.  You also have a broken economy, civil unrest and at least 51% of your citizens being a financial drain not a asset.  So you have one last step to set things right and seal your position as Ruler Over All You Survey.

Kill the poor.

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